ALAN, THE BIDDLY BODDLY BAA-DEST MAN IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLDEROONY
You might think that the first time Wilf and Alan ever met was when Alan moved in next door to Wilf – but actually that is not true. They actually met, many moons ago – well, not that many moons – about five and a bit moons. And this is what happened.
Basically, through general evilness, Alan had become so rich that he ended up having ALL the money in the world. All of it. Nobody else had a single penny. Remember that? Yes, that was Alan! He had all the money and so everyone else had to go back to bartering with sheep. Like in the olden days.
This was all very well but it did mean you needed awfully big pockets to put your change in. Even small change (lambs) took up quite a lot of room.
It also meant you had to be very strong indeed to play Heads and Tails. And Tooth Fairies had to take on extra staff to cope with all the extra weight. Also it rather spoiled the fun of looking for money in your Christmas Pudding.
But everyone tried to get by as best they could. People made extra large piggy banks. And the real banks had to rip up their carpets and plant grass and flowers for the sheep, which was rather nice. And instead of wearing flashy jewellery, rich people would wear knitted hats and jumpers to show how wealthy they were. Which was much more cosy. And colourful.
Sometimes it all went wrong though and Uncle Dick would put your savings on the barbecue. Or next door’s dog would chase your pocket money away.
I heard of one man who became addicted to gambling and his sheep became addicted to gambolling – so that was all very confusing. And the busker who hangs round the steps by the library had to buy a ginormous hat to fit all the spare sheep that people threw at him.
Of course Alan spotted everyone parading round with their woolly walking wallets and he decided he needed to have more sheep than anyone else. In fact, he needed to have all the sheep in the world. So he did.
He got two Security Guards (Shepherds) to herd all the money (sheep) into his house and then he was happy.
But not for long. Because the thing about money is that it does lots of bad things – but the one thing it doesn’t do is poo. And sheep do. Poo.
So soon Alan’s house was very messy indeed.
“This is ridiculous!” shouted Alan. “We’re all going to go back to having money again. It’s so much easier.”
“Hooray!” shouted the People.
“Baa!” shouted the sheep.
“Woof!” shouted another sheep who, on closer inspection, was probably a forgery/poodle called Wayne.
“But just to remind everyone that I am the bidly boddly baddest man in the whole wide worlderoony” said Alan, “from this day forward, money will no longer be called money.”
All the People gasped. Well most of them gasped. One of them hiccupped because he’d eaten his sausage roll too quickly and another one sneezed because he was allergic to sheep and a third one who hadn’t been paying attention said, “why is everyone gasping?”
“Yes, oh yes,” continued Alan in his Evil way. “I am going to re-name money after myself.”
The People gasped again. And the hiccupper hiccupped a bit more. And the one who wasn’t paying attention said “what shall we have for tea?”
A small boy (Wilf, you know, Wilf, from the book) put his hand up. “Isn’t your name Mr Money?” he asked innocently.
“Drat!” said Mr Money (Alan). “Yes it is. How annoying. Never mind, instead, I shall name the smallest coins after my small and perfectly evil hamster, Penny.”
“Aren’t they already called Pennies?” said Wilf.
“Drat it again!” said Alan going a little bit red and cross.
“Alan,” said Pam soothingly, ‘Why don’t you just name it after my side of the family – the Pound-Coins?”
“Isn’t that…?” started Wilf again.
“That’s enough from you!” shouted Alan, his voice going all high and squeaky. “You are not being helpful. And I am getting cross. And when I get cross I do bad things like tripping cats up and… and other bad things.”
“In that case,” said Wilf, “why don’t you just name it after your first name?”
And that is why, to this very day, we all call money Alan.
Yes we do. Yes we do.
Well, you’re just doing it wrong then.